Today I have done a lot of sitting around and thinking. Even when I went down to the pool to read I ended up finishing a letter to the man I love (which required a lot of thinking), writing two poems (more thinking), and looking off into the distance a lot with Lord of the Rings open in my lap. I could even tell some of the other guest there were laughing at me. I even find myself now thinking about a million topics at once.
For a long while I have wanted to write about why women who aren't engaged, and some who don't even have significant others, 'plan' weddings on Pinterest. Well, that may have to wait until another day because each time I try to map out how I feel about wedding plans that seemingly don't matter . . . I am led instead to a succession of other topics: why am I 'planning' mine (I used to feel I had a reason, but more recently I don't), would I even want to get married in the fashion my pins show, do I even want to get married, does it matter . . . and so on.
I have been on a journey in the past months, hell, maybe even the past years, trying to figure out . . . what on earth am I trying to figure out? Maybe that's just it. I'm trying to figure out what it is that I am trying to figure out. Simple, right? But this whole marriage questioning has been going on for a more specific amount of time, only a few months.
More recently though, my ex took me out to eat at Alexandria's which was set for a wedding reception that was taking place later that day. He commented saying how beautiful the arrangement was, I said that while it was ok, it wasn't my taste. Then he asked a simple question which I'm sure he doesn't even remember asking: “Are you more of a courthouse girl?” Our conversation turned and carried on, but I find myself still thinking about it and coming to the real question: “what kind of girl am I?”
You see, it's like this: I know exactly what kind of white dress I would wear, what kind of reception I would like, what kind of plates I would use, even the exact cake I want . . . but then I think, do I really want to have anyone at my wedding? Would it matter to me if me and some mister never got married and stayed together anyway? I even had this conversation with my best friend Lindsay before The Hunger Games came on. I told her I would rather spend the years of my life with someone and not be married so that I could always know they were there only because they wanted to be, and never out of obligation.
I am beginning to think the real answer to all of my questions though is that I don't care. Sure, there are days when I get really sad that I know and love the man of my dreams and may never get to marry him, but there are also days when just knowing he exists is enough. But despite that, I know who I want to be, and that is a woman who does not mind either way.
What do you think about all of this? Can you ever really be secure in love? I've come to believe security is only an illusion . . . but maybe the real trick is in knowing you can only ever be secure in your own love and self. What say you?
When in doubt, turn to Jane: Single women have a dreadful propensity for being poor. Which is one very strong argument in favor of matrimony. - Jane Austen
Oh, wait . . .