Accidental Babies

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Don't Kill Time... Slay It

And so begins my senior year. It is so crazy to think that 3 years ago I was taking my first college course ever. Has it really been that long??? This weekend I was walking along, being all shocked at how fast the time has gone, repeating over and over “I feel so old.” Then the guy in front of me turned around and snapped me back to reality by asking “how old are you?” He had a good point... who can feel old when they have to reply “21”?

I don't really feel old though. I don't think I'll ever actually feel old. However, it does feel surreal that I am a senior in college. It's just one of those steps, I suppose, that makes you look back as well as forward. It makes you ask questions like did I do everything I wanted? What do I want to do next?

I saw this great quote today on Pinterest.

I've got a life I love, and I don't consider that to be trite just because I'm young. I really love my life, so now is where I step up and live it.

Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life. - William Faulkner

Goals vs. Opportunities

On my big roadtrip through the national parks we stopped at an overlook to take photographs of an amazing red canyon. I have a thing for wanting to capture local vegetation and for wanting to express the magnanimity of a place through showing the small details. So I took some photos and then got to thinking about my approach to photography and how it relates to my approach to life. So here is what I wrote:

Anyone can see the big picture, but it takes a trained / skilled eye to see the small beautiful things. Photography is a perfect example: pictures of big beautiful things can often seem cliché and don't seem to capture the essence of being in a space. However, if you can somehow manage to include a very detailed, small piece of information, you can bring to life the big picture. In life you have to appreciate the moments (this is literally an art term used to describe a small section of a work) in order to really love the big picture.

When I was writing this I was really thinking about a lot of different things. Quite often I see friends get so caught up in their long-term goals that they don't value a single day along the way. I have never seen anyone happy while doing this. Do I think goals are a bad thing? To a degree, yes. If instead of making goals for yourself you make opportunities, I believe the pressure of getting through the time it takes to reach a goal is relieved with the search to make every day an opportunity in itself.

I don't know if I am making a clear point or just hazy blobs, so I will use myself as an example. Last school year I was extremely focused on graduating, getting to a level in networking where I could have big-time shows in 10 years, creating the big work that would get me noticed . . . by summertime I was thinking about not going back to school, I was in a relationship that stressed me out more than helped me, I could not care less whether of not I got in any shows, and I had a minimal amount of work worthy to go in a portfolio.

Then, this summer, I traveled, became single and free, and sorted out some priorities. I'm actually looking forward to all of my classes, whereas normally I start the semester pissed off about my general education courses. I am more excited about what comes after graduation than just getting there, but most importantly every day I remember one important thing: there is no other moment than this; now is all I have.

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. - James Dean

Running From Star to Star Until I Drop

I did some writing while I was in Colorado and Utah. Obviously, there is a lot of time for reflection when you go on a 6 day driving excursion. So, here is the first thing I put down. I was still very excited to be having the experience 3 and 4 days in and was well aware that I was loving every moment of the drive and stops. I'm not editing or changing any of this … :

I used to think I was unsatisfied and that was the reason I wanted so much change all the time. I told myself that the real reason I wanted to travel was that I had a restless heart... but I'm starting to realize something else about myself... I really love life and this world. A thought occurred to me in Yellowstone: with a place so beautiful, how could I not want to see it all? With a population so diverse how could I not want to live all over the place? With a mind so dynamic, how could I not want more education? I want to experience, know, and be as much as possible.

Bison and the Road in Yellowstone National Park

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. ― Jack Kerouac

Alabama, Arkansas, I Sure Love My Ma & Pa

Well, I'm back in Findlay, Ohio. I never thought I could be so happy to be here, but I really am. It's nice to be in a place where you know the roads, where all of the McDonald's are, and where you know people.

It took me two hours to unpack my car, and I'm taking a break from putting everything away to write this. It was really nice to walk in to my apartment and see all of the changes I made at the beginning of the summer. I think I literally walked in and said you're so pretty!! (yes, I talk to my apartment, apparently).

Now I have a couple weeks before classes start again and I actually feel ready for my senior year. I'm taking a few courses outside of my major that I am legitimately excited about and a bunch inside my major that I'm super pumped for.

This is kind of a funny moment. I'm sitting on my bed surrounded by mounds of clothing, my foot propped up on a new comforter set and Beyonce's Smash Into You in the background. Life is good.

Pictures to come :)

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here. ― Lauren Myracle

Refuge Between the Notes

All I have for y'all today is some music. Sometimes music is all I have.

I like to listen to what I call Epic Music . . . and Airy Music . . . my idea is that I want to listen to the stuff that if ever a film was made about my life, THIS would be the soundtrack. I also say that my music is so epic you have to roll the windows down.

Here's a very small sample.

Quote about music: Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. - Maya Angelou

Enchanté Moi

Life is confusing and often times angering, so I write poetry to deal with it instead of slapping people. Generally speaking I write my blog about the ups, and I write my poetry about the downs. I don't know why it works out that way for me, because I know plenty of people who write poetry about the butterflies and trees of life but it's just not me.

A tip on how to read these: I write poetry like prose, as in you shouldn't pause at line breaks but only at punctuation. I usually want my line breaks instead to give emphasis to meaning or feeling of a word or phrase.

Integral

I've always valued integrity

but have only just realized

it's always been the lack thereof

that's driven me from other guys.

I tell you that you've got it

and you just bat your eyes;

I never thought we'd be here

where you force what you want under disguise.

You can't set me free,

but you can make me despise

your efforts to give me what I have.

You've let the water rise,

covering everything you want to show,

but no matter how you try, you can't devise

a plan to actually not care.

At some point you also will realize

how much you like being with someone with integrity.

Control

She let life wash over her

like a huge tidal wave

and as the ocean held

her body and choked her lungs

she could die happy

because she didn't have to fight it.

Please Hear Me

Over and through

I repeat it in my thoughts

I shape it with my tongue.

Words I long to

whisper in your mind.

Words I mean

to do to you, as they have to me.

But how might they be mailed

or conveyed through the wire?

So instead they are willed

to your wintered

thoughts.

Enchanté moi.

Little Swimmer

She swims around

with a tiny pink Speedo lifevest strapped

around her teeny ribcage.

Dark skin,

dark hair,

dark eyes.

She is beautiful

at the age of three.

As her father instructs

her, she splashes hard

against the water,

singing in a little, strong voice

with words of her Indian heritage.

Little eyes are alive with joy.

Lovely woven gold

earrings struggle to shine

as brightly as she.

Golden glints

from the sun

strain to be as rich

as she.

Then she's slipping the smallest sandals

on as her mom helps her

into a light pink robe.

She stands

for a moment

between her makers,

sipping a water

sized for her hand

with the hood of her robe pulled up.

She looks as

the world's smallest boxer

between her trainers

after her best workout of the year:

confidence is her robe,

the Word is her water,

love are her jewels.

And though she is little,

she is fierce.

So Difficult To Tell Me You Love Me

The days when I get the most angry

at you are the nights

when I cry to God,

asking “What is so wrong with me

that no one can love me

wholeheartedly?”

Prayers like these

have always made me cry

and this day is no exception.

I want to give up on you.

10 days without your voice.

No letters at all.

You won't even be my friend

and yet for some reason the little voice

within me keeps crying out:

“he'll come back . . .

if he could just keep seeing how much you love him . . .

he'll come back . . .

if you can just keep showing him your love.”

But I'm beginning to hate that little voice.

I'm beginning to hate thinking of you.

But you've already yelled the same at me

so I know you wouldn't care even if you knew.

You've been happy to hurt me and I've been loyal.

You've been quick to cut me out and I've worn your clothes.

You have taken off my necklace

and I have carried the miles between us.

What have I to show for it now?

A month-old letter

marked Return To Sender

that might end up being my last to you.

I wish everything to be the last to you,

but only God and time

will tell whether the little voice crying out within me

will be snuffed by your big thumb.

Que Sera, Sera

One of my biggest fears every day is that I'm wasting my time. I have to ability to apply this fear to almost everything in my life: school, art, writing, loving... especially loving. I think it is only natural for a person to want to see an outcome from everything they put their efforts in to. For me, I feel as though keeping my lack of time in mind helps me make decisions since I will always choose what makes me happiest in that regard. But then when I think of how young I am and how long I could live, God willing, it makes things more difficult and hazy.

There are two different ways to live for today, one of those ways being to say 'screw my future and everything uncertain, because nothing is promised and I might as well think only of myself'. But the other way has a lot more to do with security. There is danger in certain kinds of security, but I'm talking about feeling at peace and being free: security in oneself.

Yes, you only live once, and it can be a long life where you not only have to live with your decisions but others do as well. Everyone wants to be happy though, and if you live your life worrying how your decisions will pan out and waiting for the time of your life where you get to start enjoying the things you love, it will never come. Now is the time to be happy with your life, those in it, and everything about yourself. Take the time to figure out who you are. Do the things that make you happy. Call the people you love. It will surprise you how much these simple things will lead you to appreciating yourself more, and that really is important to embrace the you that God has made. There is no better way to give praise.

Thoughts on time: The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. - Abraham Lincoln