Today I have done a lot of sitting
around and thinking. Even when I went down to the pool to read I
ended up finishing a letter to the man I love (which required a lot
of thinking), writing two poems (more thinking), and looking off into
the distance a lot with Lord of the Rings open in my lap. I could
even tell some of the other guest there were laughing at me. I even
find myself now thinking about a million topics at once.
For a long while I have wanted to write
about why women who aren't engaged, and some who don't even have
significant others, 'plan' weddings on
Pinterest. Well, that may have
to wait until another day because each time I try to map out how I
feel about wedding plans that seemingly don't matter . . . I am led
instead to a succession of other topics: why am I 'planning' mine (I
used to feel I had a reason, but more recently I don't), would I even
want to get married in the fashion
my pins show, do I even want to
get married, does it matter . . . and so on.
I have been on a journey in the past
months, hell, maybe even the past years, trying to figure out . . .
what on earth am I trying to figure out? Maybe that's just it. I'm
trying to figure out what it is that I am trying to figure out.
Simple, right? But this whole marriage questioning has been going on
for a more specific amount of time, only a few months.
More recently though, my ex took me out
to eat at
Alexandria's which was set for a wedding reception that
was taking place later that day. He commented saying how beautiful
the arrangement was, I said that while it was ok, it wasn't my taste. Then
he asked a simple question which I'm sure he doesn't even remember
asking: “Are you more of a courthouse girl?” Our conversation
turned and carried on, but I find myself still thinking about it and
coming to the real question: “what kind of girl am I?”
You see, it's like this: I know exactly
what kind of
white dress I would wear, what kind of
reception I would
like, what kind of plates I would use, even the
exact cake I want . .
. but then I think, do I really want to have anyone at my wedding?
Would it matter to me if me and some mister never got married and
stayed together anyway? I even had this conversation with my best
friend Lindsay before The Hunger Games came on. I told her I would
rather spend the years of my life with someone and not be married so
that I could always know they were there only because they wanted to
be, and never out of obligation.
I am beginning to think the real answer
to all of my questions though is that I don't care. Sure, there are
days when I get really sad that I know and love the man of my dreams
and may never get to marry him, but there are also days when just
knowing he exists is enough. But despite that, I know who I want
to be, and that is a woman who does not mind either way.
What do you think about all of this?
Can you ever really be secure in love? I've come to believe security
is only an illusion . . . but maybe the real trick is in knowing you
can only ever be secure in your own love and self. What say you?
Whe
n
in doubt, turn to Jane: Single
women have a dreadful propensity for being poor. Which is one very
strong argument in favor of matrimony. - Jane
Austen
Oh,
wait . . .
